For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling to make a decision about my design business – a big decision. An opportunity has come to me out of the blue and I have to admit that I literally burst into tears when it was presented to me – it was that unexpected and that amazing. It’s one of the very few times I’ve ever been speechless.
There are so many factors to consider. Is this the right time? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I really good enough? Yes. No. Will I feel self-imposed pressure to perform? Yes. Do I feel the need to change the status quo? Maybe. Will my decision adversely affect anyone I care about? Maybe. Do I really want to be successful in this business. I thought so. Am I afraid of success? No. Yes. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really even care?
I’ve discussed it ad nauseam with my very patient husband (and some equally patient friends). I’ve listed the pros and the cons. I’ve looked at the opportunity from every angle I can think of. Turned it upside down and inside out. And, uncharacteristically for me, I still cannot decide what to do. I tried to forget about it for awhile, but that didn’t work. I’ve dreamed about it. I’ve tried to “art” my way into a decision. Every time I think I’ve figured it out and finally made peace with myself, I change my mind. I am not an indecisive person! And whatever happened to “fearless”?
Thought you’d might like to see what chaos in my mind looks like – translated into textures. Why did it have to come out so cool? It does not feel cool at all inside my brain.
One of the recent projects in Life Book 2014 is to create our “Sacred Inner Eye”. Tam provides very detailed instructions and there were some absolutely stunning images shared by class members.
I had to wait for supplies to arrive, and while waiting, I was already picturing in my mind how my eye was going to look. I was so excited to start, but when my husband asked why I was drawing an odd-looking fish, I started over. Three times. When I finally got the eye shaped the way I wanted it, I ran into all sorts of other problems. Not paying attention to the video, I painted her entire eyeball green before I realized (duh) that I should have just been painting just the iris. Since I had used green, I need to paint over the eyeball – several times with white and fleshy colored paint to make it look right. Well, sort of right. Bumpy, lumpy not like an eyeball, but at least it was’t green. Then I laid my hand in the wet paint. Then my white paint pen gushed white paint (user error, I’m sure), where there should have been dainty lines representing highlights. And the charcoal pencil got everywhere. And those pretty paint splotches Tam got? Not arty, just muddy. The drips that were to become the lines on which we were to write our positive affirmation were … well you can guess that my level of tension was pretty high. I know, I know. We’re our own worst critics. I’m being too hard on myself. Agreed.
I eventually realized that I was crying as I was working – at first in frustration because it wasn’t turning out to be the beautiful, smooth, glassy, gorgeous eye everyone else made. Then I was crying for troubles some of my family and friends are going through right now. Then I was crying because the eye didn’t turn out QUITE as awful as I thought it was going to be after all. See? All mixed up.